As Millie sits on my lap with confidence and observes tapping of my fingers with great focus, I begin to talk her through the one experience in our lives that could never be shared in such a precious way with anyone else. Six months on and as I try to capture the feelings and emotions of that time, I realise that part of me is finding it hard to imagine how time flies. How precious every moment is from the moment a little being starts to grow, to the moment your skins exchange its first real touch. And now as I gather my thoughts and kiss the top of Millie's head I know that I am truly blessed again.
Amber and I met before the birth of my first child. It was a true blessing that she was there to assist in the birth of Mark (my first child), at our local NHS Hospital, as it wasn't planned that she would be a part of it. From then I knew if there was ever a strange thought in my head to go through labour again then I would without doubt beg Amber to be there.
As an Independent Midwife Amber explained in great detail the positives and negatives of both home birth and hospital, as well as the support she would be able to offer in both these cases. At first neither my husband nor I seemed really convinced that going into labour in the house let alone the front room would prove to be a tranquil, perfect setting for a home birth, as well as knowing that our son may end up being in the house at the time.
As we got to know Amber better on a professional level as our Midwife, it became more clear and reassuring to both my husband and I that a home birth is actually what we would aim for, with the assurance that this didn't have to be the only plan and it could be changed if we wanted. But whatever we chose our aim was to avoid having a stressful experience second time round, not only for me but my husband and son.
Despite worrying that our recently bought home wasn't a perfect setting and Millie would probably pop out and think that she was born in the 1950's. Having a home birth could ensure that I would be able to make my surroundings comfortable and familiar, I could rest in my own bed and I wasn't restricted to visiting times, hospital food and leaving my baby to use the bathroom.
I settled well into the pregnancy, with Amber visiting often and although still at work I found it more so relaxing then my first. Mark, our son was at the age of not really comprehending what was happening, but with the visits Amber made she encouraged him to be part of each process which he really enjoyed. Each time his curiosity grew about the wonderful lady (Amber) who would visit and check mummy over, he would come to hospital scans with us and we always encouraged sometime in the day when we would ask him about the new arrival. And despite still not really understanding, it was heart-warming to observe how he would, without fail watch intently while Amber listened to the baby's heart and check my tummy.
Physically, pregnancy was not an enlightening experience for me. Though I was lucky I never really suffered too much from morning sickness or nausea, I struggled terribly with SPD which resulted in a brace and crutches. However, what made things more easier was I only had one midwife. I wasn't chasing up tests, or waiting on an over stretched midwife to answer questions which I would have felt would be time wasting. Amber could see me at home allowing for me not to be rushing around. I could talk through problems with consistency, and any other specialists I met with were only too happy to extend advice such as my Osteopath.
Emotionally, I found having one midwife was a blessing. Amber gave me time to talk through my concerns etc, because she allowed time for appointments to override. It was consistency in support which meant I wasn't having to reiterate my problems each time. Our relationship grew, and it wasn't just about checks and paper work, Amber found time to really get to know me which grounded many of my subconscious worries and fears of going through labour again.
Something wasn't right that day, but I shrugged it off maybe in fear that today would be the day. Rather then chew over my worries it was best to just take my mind off things and visit a friend who had also recently had a baby too. That day I could barely keep my eyes open, my friend was the pick me up I needed even though we spent most of the time reminiscing about our past birth experiences.
My mind was preoccupied with the fact that Millie hadn't moved much in my tummy all day, and why it made me worry was because she was always kicking around, stretching and poking. After picking Mark up from nursery I made a nervous call to Amber later that afternoon who reassured me and gave me a few signs to look out for if I was concerned. With Mark asleep, Craig and I sat and wondered whether Millie would show by the end of the week. Time together became a rarity as I was always tired, or in pain, or little Mark needed some time. It’s hard to imagine being without children now.
After dinner I still wasn't feeling right and after a phone call to an old friend who joked that Millie would arrive tonight, I decided that I should make one last call to Amber. As always I left my conversation with her feeling content although bemused by a list of things she suggested I did before calling her again in about an hour. The list included:
But I followed through the list, with the added bonus that I had a cold shower because we had run out of hot water. Two hours later I called back to say that nothing was happening. Amber decided that making a visit at 10pm (bless her) just to make sure everything was okay, was what I needed. Everything was fine, now try and get some sleep she said, and as always added "..don't be afraid to call me again..".
As I climbed into bed I wondered whether it would be soon and I found myself feeling panicked. I thought it was heartburn, so I swallowed some Gaviscon and tried to get comfortable. The pain came back a number of times but for some reason I didn't click that I was in labour. I had convinced myself it was definitely wind. All I wanted to do was sleep, I was exhausted! The pain became intense and I suddenly I found myself kneeling on all fours on the bed, gripping the bed post, every ten minutes or so. In my mind I was saying I can do this, let me try and breathe through this. In my own little world I found the focus to breathe, and as the pain got strong I knew it was time to call Craig (Craig unfortunately resorted to sleeping on the sofa bed as my SPD was causing sleepless nights for us both).I called Craig on his mobile as I couldn't even imagine walkingdown the stairs. He came up and lay beside me, if only at the time I had remembered that his way of dealing with stressful situations was to laugh. He was lucky the words he uttered "...pace yourself..." were at the moment of low pain. For him it was the thought of going through hours of labour pain through the night with no sleep to find that in the morning the labour had stopped and he would have to go to work. So, he acted as best he could and rubbed my back until he fell asleep.
By 1am, the contractions were coming fast and hard, Amber was on her way over and all I wanted was something to take the pain away. Sitting on the toilet was my only relief and as I watched my tummy in amazement I could almost see Millie turning to lower herself.
Amber arrived and all I wanted her to do was take me to hospital, in my mind they would take thepain away. I knew at this point I had to focus and as Amber knelt beside me and gently talked I could see that it was out of sheer panic that I wasn't able to focus and find the strength in myself. All I could think of was the thought of going through this all night, and if that was the case then gas and air wasn't what I needed. It wasn't until Amber asked me "..what do you think the hospital, can do for you?..." I wasn't sure but I needed someone to tell me it was going to be over soon. Amber's professionalism was outstanding, she didn't make me feel panicked or pathetic. She kept me focussed on breathing and what I actually needing to be doing, even though I was adamant I wanted to know when it was all going to be over.
Craig kept himself busy by responding to the instructions Amber gave him. For a while I thought Craig and Amber were conspiring against me because I remember asking for gas and air the moment Amber arrived, and Craig was still on his way to the car to get it (I don't remember the driveway way being so long!). About 5 minutes before Millie officially arrived Amber said "..Anna quick, off the toilet, the head is coming through!.." to my amazement I thought I had forever before anything was going to happen, and there she was. Millie lying on the bathroom floor, still attached to me by the umbilical cord. She was beautiful, she lay silent, looking around. Craig was on the otherside of the bathroom door relieved that we were okay. I cried, every deepset emotion that had carried me through the pregnancy was leaving my body and as Amber counted her little fingers and toes and checked her over I cried.
"...mummy, come get me..." in the mist of the excitement another little figure appeared. Mark had slept through the whole thing and awoke 5 minutes after she was born to see a little baby being snuggled by his daddy. With both Nanny Sarah and my mum there was enough love and energy to go around to ensure that he was not feeling left out. The nine months were over and our family was complete.
I have to admit though the only problem with a homebirth is your list of chores left from the night before still haunt you despite being told to relax.
For many who like me found childbirth a difficult thing would have preferred never to venture there again. I'm glad I did, with the wonderful support of a midwife who is dedicated to life, I can now truly appreciate the awesome and unique gift that we are given of childbirth.
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